LETTER TO MY UNBORN CHILD

Dear Baby

Dear Baby

Dear Baby (ies)

How are you doing, you chilling? Yes?

okay cool, that’s good…now sweetheart, I’d like to give you a few tips on how we can get along better when you get here (here meaning earth with me).

I would really appreciate it if you indulged me and read this.

we’ll take it from the top

Once you are conceived, you will have cravings which will in turn control my eating habits so I need you to take it easy on me, which is why I have drawn a list of acceptable food.

1) Rice and Beans

2) Meat of almost all forms ( we don’t like liver)

3) Ice-Cream and chocolate of all kinds, forms and flavors

4) Smoothies/ Frozen Yogurt ( you know I’ve gotta watch my weight)

Secondly, I know it seems cute when you just kick without notice…NO!! We shan’t be having that, I would instead appreciate prior notice before you kicked so I could prepare myself and maybe even get your father for it. How do you get my attention? be creative. We share a placenta tug on it or something.

Third Honey, you really need to co-operate with me during the labour because I cant do it by myself and I honestly wont like to be stitched, easy peasy (ooh…wait! I think I may have a little control on that count…here’s praying I don’t choose a big head as your father) ok we’ll both work on it.

This one is quite important, there will be no biting my mammary glands when thou sucketh for sustenance. It is totally unacceptable and you will not act like a savage!

Beautiful, your crying is inevitable so I will simply ask you this, please don’t cry during the night time. Mummy really treasures her sleep and you will know its night time when mummy is in her most comfortable clothes (her jammies which will be imprinted with some cartoon character) and sporting a hair net atop her lovely mane of purchased hair.

In the bid to remain a “Yummy Mummy”, here are a few rules as to outside behavior. There will be NO spitting up on mummy in the presence of guests. we are operating a strict NO spit ship.

Baby, I beg you as you grow up do not inherit my stubborn, rough and naughty traits, please anything but that. Thank you.

Also prepare yourself for these lessons: Piano,Violin, Guitar Cello, Ballet, Swing, Mamba, Tango, Swimming, Archery, Basketball, Italian, Spanish and French.(No darling, none of the categories is dependent on your sex)

Finally Honeypie, I love you so much that for you, I’ll marry  a science genius as I have no patience for that field of education,(Too much of an art enthusiast) giving you a balance in all fields with respect to your academics.

I expect A’s from you and NO! you may never ask what grades I got while I was in school.

That’s all I have for now, but be rest assured that I will send you updates to this letter, I Love Love Love you…you still non-existent person you.

From your trusted earth correspondent.

Yours truly and wonderfully

Mummy.

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The start…And so i drove

Welcome blog

I was going to act all shy but then i remembered this is my blog and well i can do whatever i want, write whatever i want, whatever i’m thinking, feeling and the likes of that and with that said i bid you welcome to my humble abode. (gives a deep courtesy while spreading my excessively long arm to invite you in)

To start off this blog i have decided to write something in honor of my mother, who has relentlessly egged me on to start my blog but due to my own blindness and silliness i never did, i told her ”It wasn’t the right time” and honestly i’m not sure what i was waiting for because the right time would never come… so here i am with a blog i opened in March/April 2014 posting my first piece. Now i thought and thought for a long time about what it was i could write that would hit this as a real first you know ” The Big Bang”  the one that would leave tongues wagging for hours and stuff ( i may have a disease called the Over active imagination/ thinking) then sadly i realized if i kept waiting it wouldn’t happen and not to sound like a cliche which i know i do but i decided to go after another of my dreams after all its 2015.

Now, once you get to know me, you’d find out that i am a huge talker, i mean i can go on for days and i think i’m pretty confident at it which is why every time i spoke about driving to my parents i would so easily tell them all i needed was a car to start my training with and i was a natural and all the usual charming stuff i would say to get them to trust me which led to me getting what i wanted. the thing is since i was 16 i had this notion in my head that driving wasn’t just driving, it was a right of passage into adulthood for me just like maybe say having a first beer or something of the sort so when i turned 18 oh boy the big deal i made about it, i launched my campaign cos now i was a big girl, i couldn’t be walking or taking cabs to my destinations and worse of i hated taking the buses, being crammed up with various people and their “scents” the last one especially fueled my campaign to let me learn to drive and as much as i tried…i was shut down. Now you will ask why i didn’t just go to a normal driving school like every normal person would have. My response, i wanted the star treatment of hanging out with my cousins once they were done teaching me anyways i don’t know how my parents did it but, they shut me down.

I had lost the battle but not the war so i pushed my campaign further for the next couple of years when i got the chance and then they began to soften to my tune (YEARS) parents can be so not amiable sometimes.

I jumped right on it once i got their approval and most importantly my father’s car, got my learner’s permit and blackmailed my cousin into buying me an “L” (the signal to other drivers that i was a novice) it was all shaping up to be a wonderful time for my driving dreams.I tried every time i could to drive so much so that after church on sundays i made it my duty to re-park the car from its original position to prove to my parents that i was indeed driving better and better with my new instructor and then finally the day i had been looking forward to for a while came, my lovely mum asked me to get my ”L” and my permit, we were going out and I would be driving….oh the joy that radiated to the lowest pits of my soul, i can say that i was literally walking on sunshine as i walked down the stairs to where the car was parked. i had it all planned out, everything i had to do

step 1- Put on your seat belt-check

Step 2- With your leg on the break pedal,start the car-check

Step 3-Pull your hand break-check

Step 4-change gears-check

Set 5- Move-well, you decide

my direction was backwards, just get the car reversed a little bit and then forwards to leave the gate so I placed it on reverse and my leg on the break I started to take it off a little and then I was gonna brake to get my bearings instead I found the car had a life of it own because before i could say Jack Robinson it the car was running backwards and you can trust my mother” KIKE PRESS THE BRAKE !!!!!!” that was when it came to me like ”eoooo…that wasn’t the brake….it was the accelerator…silly me” but I didn’t dare look to my mother’s side of the car so I did what I was meant to and started moving forward i now realize that a little bit of mathematics can actually save your life, that  said  i believe i didn’t calculate the distance from where i was in the car to the security post on my way out because i almost bashed that too and yes my mother was giving me a subtle advise like..” Kike cant you gauge the wall!!!???” we finally got out of the compound in peace and started on the road and that’s when I knew I was in for it I was driving like a seal…my hands on the wheel were shaky, it felt like my eyes weren’t functioning as I was relying on my mum to yell my name a little before I realized what i had what to do , my brain basically gave up on me and then just a few kilometers from the house I almost knocked over an old man and to this day i can not fault my mother for reverting to our native tongue “ kike joo ma pimilemi rara bami park oko mi!!” direct translation “ kike please don’t give me a heart attack (paraphrased) help me just park my car nicely”

Much to my surprise she didn’t take the wheel from me and so eventually we made it to the express, and although she kept shouting  “kike stay on your line!!” the car wouldnt listen to me i just kept doing what it wanted with its dubious mind, yours truly who had been gripping the steering wheel with every muscle in her body right from her toes to her eyebrow I let go of the wheel  once we came to a stand still in front of the traffic light and immediately I heard “ why are your hands off the steering wheel??” trust the amazing cat reflex i posses  it was back on like it never left  and then everything was going rather… smoothly ( if you ask my mum she might say something else but i cant blame her)

We had almost reached our destination and all I needed to do was get the right turn into ”otis” carpet,they call me “the Navigator” ( in James Bond’s voice)  because i have the map of Abuja in my palm I’m good like that but on this fateful day, i drove past the turn into ”otis” carpet l realized this late and started to slow down and mums is like” hope we haven’t passed the turn’ I was like “ errr…we just passed it” next thing I hear is “ oya  park oko me” meaning and I quote “ oya park my car” which I did  and then mums took over and drove into where I  missed some minutes later I had bought the Nepa credit and then I strolled towards the passengers seat thinking to myself “ o…thank you God my hands can rest now” but mums was like wait let me go forward which I did because there was a tree so…as my mother loved me she didn’t want anything to happen to me. Who was I kidding? I was so driving us back home and for the first time I wanted to faint.

As I got behind the steering wheel I remembered the saying  “ be careful what you wish for cos you just might get it” ( actually i remembered it being sung by the Pussy Cat Dolls” well I got it, I got it good  but I sucked it up and started moving and for once mums didn’t have to talk much she just directed me little by little and the ride was actually smooth ( you can ask her) I was rather pleased with myself and then… just as I was at the traffic just along Hotel Dabras I waited for the green light and when it finally came I was too slow meaning i had to wait for the traffic light it to turn green again (I was in the front of the line so…I was on full driver mode) then the light hit that green I was  moved with all the speed of a snail so only my car and the one behind me could go with the light ( covers face in shame) and then after we finally made it I saw a hand raised in the air by someone wearing a neon green jacket, I wanted to speed past …then mums was like “ kike cant you see the police man??” I was like” eoo….yh that..”in my head then another policeman came to join us ( my day couldn’t get better)

Police man -: madam you know she passed the light?

Mama-: no she didn’t, she waited and moved when the light was green

Policeman 2-: I was even stopping her and she did not answer me

Policeman 1-; that’s why I stopped her ( we don’t even know who he was addressing)

Mama -:  she waited….( one of them interrupted) she didn’t cross the light

Policeman 2-; can we have your license ( no addressee) so…mama hands her license

Policeman1 -: are you her instructor?

Mama-: I’m her mother

Policeman 2-: you ( that’s me) you need to attend our safety lecture we are errm..doing it with…FRSC that is road safety

Me-: nods in agreement

Ploliceman1-: does she have her license?

Mama-: she does yes, kike your permit?

Me-: digs it out of my wallet and hands it over

Policeman2 -: ehen…because you gave us your license that’s why… you know you two are family nau…and so…(I know I didn’t understand him either) you know I asked if you were her instructor you know…madam

Mama-: uninterested face

Policeman1 -: so madam should we take you to the station  so you can see the tape or…

Mama -: I don’t even have money with me

Policeman 2 -: even if its just for pure water (sachet water)

Mama  -; I’m serious I just went to get credit abi…kike do you have money?

Me -: as the frustration had started catching me already I brought out #200 in 50 naira notes

Policeman 1 -: thank you o madam so…you (me) in like two months you will be very good abi?

Me -: smiles sarcastically

Policeman1 & 2-: smile with glee

So I had an even smoother ride home cos u can bet mum and I were laughing at the “honorable men” as we got to the house I almost rammed into the wall again (no apologies) and when we finally made it in without even parking my mother just said “ please place it on park I will park it well thank you” so I got down and when we finally got up to the house  I couldn’t even talk to anybody i headed  straight to the dispenser I needed a drink of water for my soul.