I was going to act all shy but then i remembered this is my blog and well i can do whatever i want, write whatever i want, whatever i’m thinking, feeling and the likes of that and with that said i bid you welcome to my humble abode. (gives a deep courtesy while spreading my excessively long arm to invite you in)
To start off this blog i have decided to write something in honor of my mother, who has relentlessly egged me on to start my blog but due to my own blindness and silliness i never did, i told her ”It wasn’t the right time” and honestly i’m not sure what i was waiting for because the right time would never come… so here i am with a blog i opened in March/April 2014 posting my first piece. Now i thought and thought for a long time about what it was i could write that would hit this as a real first you know ” The Big Bang” the one that would leave tongues wagging for hours and stuff ( i may have a disease called the Over active imagination/ thinking) then sadly i realized if i kept waiting it wouldn’t happen and not to sound like a cliche which i know i do but i decided to go after another of my dreams after all its 2015.
Now, once you get to know me, you’d find out that i am a huge talker, i mean i can go on for days and i think i’m pretty confident at it which is why every time i spoke about driving to my parents i would so easily tell them all i needed was a car to start my training with and i was a natural and all the usual charming stuff i would say to get them to trust me which led to me getting what i wanted. the thing is since i was 16 i had this notion in my head that driving wasn’t just driving, it was a right of passage into adulthood for me just like maybe say having a first beer or something of the sort so when i turned 18 oh boy the big deal i made about it, i launched my campaign cos now i was a big girl, i couldn’t be walking or taking cabs to my destinations and worse of i hated taking the buses, being crammed up with various people and their “scents” the last one especially fueled my campaign to let me learn to drive and as much as i tried…i was shut down. Now you will ask why i didn’t just go to a normal driving school like every normal person would have. My response, i wanted the star treatment of hanging out with my cousins once they were done teaching me anyways i don’t know how my parents did it but, they shut me down.
I had lost the battle but not the war so i pushed my campaign further for the next couple of years when i got the chance and then they began to soften to my tune (YEARS) parents can be so not amiable sometimes.
I jumped right on it once i got their approval and most importantly my father’s car, got my learner’s permit and blackmailed my cousin into buying me an “L” (the signal to other drivers that i was a novice) it was all shaping up to be a wonderful time for my driving dreams.I tried every time i could to drive so much so that after church on sundays i made it my duty to re-park the car from its original position to prove to my parents that i was indeed driving better and better with my new instructor and then finally the day i had been looking forward to for a while came, my lovely mum asked me to get my ”L” and my permit, we were going out and I would be driving….oh the joy that radiated to the lowest pits of my soul, i can say that i was literally walking on sunshine as i walked down the stairs to where the car was parked. i had it all planned out, everything i had to do
step 1- Put on your seat belt-check
Step 2- With your leg on the break pedal,start the car-check
Step 3-Pull your hand break-check
Step 4-change gears-check
Set 5- Move-well, you decide
my direction was backwards, just get the car reversed a little bit and then forwards to leave the gate so I placed it on reverse and my leg on the break I started to take it off a little and then I was gonna brake to get my bearings instead I found the car had a life of it own because before i could say Jack Robinson it the car was running backwards and you can trust my mother” KIKE PRESS THE BRAKE !!!!!!” that was when it came to me like ”eoooo…that wasn’t the brake….it was the accelerator…silly me” but I didn’t dare look to my mother’s side of the car so I did what I was meant to and started moving forward i now realize that a little bit of mathematics can actually save your life, that said i believe i didn’t calculate the distance from where i was in the car to the security post on my way out because i almost bashed that too and yes my mother was giving me a subtle advise like..” Kike cant you gauge the wall!!!???” we finally got out of the compound in peace and started on the road and that’s when I knew I was in for it I was driving like a seal…my hands on the wheel were shaky, it felt like my eyes weren’t functioning as I was relying on my mum to yell my name a little before I realized what i had what to do , my brain basically gave up on me and then just a few kilometers from the house I almost knocked over an old man and to this day i can not fault my mother for reverting to our native tongue “ kike joo ma pimilemi rara bami park oko mi!!” direct translation “ kike please don’t give me a heart attack (paraphrased) help me just park my car nicely”
Much to my surprise she didn’t take the wheel from me and so eventually we made it to the express, and although she kept shouting “kike stay on your line!!” the car wouldnt listen to me i just kept doing what it wanted with its dubious mind, yours truly who had been gripping the steering wheel with every muscle in her body right from her toes to her eyebrow I let go of the wheel once we came to a stand still in front of the traffic light and immediately I heard “ why are your hands off the steering wheel??” trust the amazing cat reflex i posses it was back on like it never left and then everything was going rather… smoothly ( if you ask my mum she might say something else but i cant blame her)
We had almost reached our destination and all I needed to do was get the right turn into ”otis” carpet,they call me “the Navigator” ( in James Bond’s voice) because i have the map of Abuja in my palm I’m good like that but on this fateful day, i drove past the turn into ”otis” carpet l realized this late and started to slow down and mums is like” hope we haven’t passed the turn’ I was like “ errr…we just passed it” next thing I hear is “ oya park oko me” meaning and I quote “ oya park my car” which I did and then mums took over and drove into where I missed some minutes later I had bought the Nepa credit and then I strolled towards the passengers seat thinking to myself “ o…thank you God my hands can rest now” but mums was like wait let me go forward which I did because there was a tree so…as my mother loved me she didn’t want anything to happen to me. Who was I kidding? I was so driving us back home and for the first time I wanted to faint.
As I got behind the steering wheel I remembered the saying “ be careful what you wish for cos you just might get it” ( actually i remembered it being sung by the Pussy Cat Dolls” well I got it, I got it good but I sucked it up and started moving and for once mums didn’t have to talk much she just directed me little by little and the ride was actually smooth ( you can ask her) I was rather pleased with myself and then… just as I was at the traffic just along Hotel Dabras I waited for the green light and when it finally came I was too slow meaning i had to wait for the traffic light it to turn green again (I was in the front of the line so…I was on full driver mode) then the light hit that green I was moved with all the speed of a snail so only my car and the one behind me could go with the light ( covers face in shame) and then after we finally made it I saw a hand raised in the air by someone wearing a neon green jacket, I wanted to speed past …then mums was like “ kike cant you see the police man??” I was like” eoo….yh that..”in my head then another policeman came to join us ( my day couldn’t get better)
Police man -: madam you know she passed the light?
Mama-: no she didn’t, she waited and moved when the light was green
Policeman 2-: I was even stopping her and she did not answer me
Policeman 1-; that’s why I stopped her ( we don’t even know who he was addressing)
Mama -: she waited….( one of them interrupted) she didn’t cross the light
Policeman 2-; can we have your license ( no addressee) so…mama hands her license
Policeman1 -: are you her instructor?
Mama-: I’m her mother
Policeman 2-: you ( that’s me) you need to attend our safety lecture we are errm..doing it with…FRSC that is road safety
Me-: nods in agreement
Ploliceman1-: does she have her license?
Mama-: she does yes, kike your permit?
Me-: digs it out of my wallet and hands it over
Policeman2 -: ehen…because you gave us your license that’s why… you know you two are family nau…and so…(I know I didn’t understand him either) you know I asked if you were her instructor you know…madam
Mama-: uninterested face
Policeman1 -: so madam should we take you to the station so you can see the tape or…
Mama -: I don’t even have money with me
Policeman 2 -: even if its just for pure water (sachet water)
Mama -; I’m serious I just went to get credit abi…kike do you have money?
Me -: as the frustration had started catching me already I brought out #200 in 50 naira notes
Policeman 1 -: thank you o madam so…you (me) in like two months you will be very good abi?
Me -: smiles sarcastically
Policeman1 & 2-: smile with glee
So I had an even smoother ride home cos u can bet mum and I were laughing at the “honorable men” as we got to the house I almost rammed into the wall again (no apologies) and when we finally made it in without even parking my mother just said “ please place it on park I will park it well thank you” so I got down and when we finally got up to the house I couldn’t even talk to anybody i headed straight to the dispenser I needed a drink of water for my soul.